Wednesday, October 28, 2009

deep breaths...count to ten...

i swear to the lord sometimes i have so much rage against my dog that i want to take a a blunt object to her thick skull and put me out of my misery. after 1o months of mommyhood, being woken up by my son 82,000 times a night in the early months and now in the recent months still at least 3 times a night i CANNOT TOLERATE MY FUCKING DOG BARKING AT THE PLACE WHERE THERE ONCE WAS PIZZA TWO HOURS AGO.

Monday, October 26, 2009

none of us could get out of our jammies on sunday. it was a beautiful day here. so we went to the park in our jammies.

i didn't mean to officer, honest i didn't!

it is really crappy here. rainy and cold. so what does one do on such a day? start drinking right away? i WISH. damn kid and this responsibility. talk about BURDEN. sheesh.
no, you go to walmart OF COURSE.
so we're at the walmart and i see dane is getting sleepy so i hand him a little bear/blankey thingy which lots of people call a "lovey". i don't know why, but i just can't bring myself to call it that. there are certain words that feel forced when coming out of my mouth such as:

babe (as in, "hey babe, what time is dinner?")
"i want to go running"

i FULLY intended to pay for the bear blankie and even had at least 2 stern talks with myself on the subject of NOT leaving before paying for it. i was even at the mother humping checkout for one of these talks.

but dane was so sleepy and i pulled the seat cover over his wee noggin and had a nice chat with the checkout guy because he asked me how my weekend was which was a very specific question which made me reflect upon my weekend and thought about how fun it was to get pretty tipsy and by tipsy i mean super hammered while playing spanish with our awesome neighbors and and how danny realized that iphone has an app for baby monitering which is GENUIS and is going to make our dark cold winter here that much more fun because we can play drinking games all the time now at each others houses without having to worry and of COURSE we'll lock the doors if we go to our neighbors i mean, what kind of parents do you think we are except that we never got a KEY to our house when we bought it and did you know that our house used to be a brothel for real and true and...

"yep, you have a good day too! stay warm and dry! take care!"

damn. i forgot to pay for the bear.

Saturday, October 24, 2009

long ago and far away

i was leafing through and old sketch pad and came across pages upon pages of dane's eating, sleeping, pooping and peeing "schedules". i did this in a desperate attempt to grasp SOME kind of pattern i could follow. those early days were BRUTAL. i saw one page where i wrote that i slept for 20 minutes. i can laugh about that now. it honestly feels like another lifetime ago and i can't believe he's only been here for ten months.

i give him a week

you like me! you really like me! least i choose to think so since i haven't gotten any nasty comments...yet. thanks for reading this little ol' thing. it's been much more fun than i thought it would and i'm enjoying it very much.


Friday, October 23, 2009

glee-ful morning

i know dane is my son because he watched the whole episode of glee. he sat on my lap and literally WATCHED THE WHOLE THING.

i really do love the show but jayma mays and her really weird way of speaking KILLS me and the fact that they sing over pre-recorded tracks also bothers me greatly...but jane lynch, on the other hand makes up for it.

Monday, October 19, 2009

tell me something and i'll believe it

i met a neighbor named meg and she has a darling baby girl and she is also a nurse. the mom, not the baby. although how cute would that be? you're sitting in the waiting room at the dr's office and your name is called and you look up to see a 6 month old in clunky white aerosoles holding a clipboard smiling and drooling. "slllrrr schhhh ffft" (that was her telling you to step on the scale)
so, anyway, i was telling meg about danny being really sick these last few days and she says, all calmly and matter-of-factly, "it's most likely the swine flu. the only ones who AREN'T getting the swine flu are people over 55. they just get the regular flu."

cool. thanks. now i'm freaking out because dane slept poorly last night and woke up with a ridiculously runny nose and wouldn't nurse before going to bed. ALL SYMPTOMS. I GOOGLED IT. crap. he's crying now. again. bye.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

sneezing is baby comedy gold

i love this time of year...

...and having a child makes everything more magical. i always heard that new parents would talk about how you see the world anew and fresh and i never understood until i had dane. what a wonderful time.

i guess he's ticklish

the bath time crazies

baby boners and such

danny brought home a pack of huggies brand diapers because i sent him to the store with the instructions to "get whatever size 3". i've been using costco brand because they are something like negative 3 cents a diaper. for a HUGE pack. i'm talking, you could soak up the peeps and poops of the jolie-pitts for the next year and STILL have some leftover.  i swear they pay YOU to use them.  HI-YO!!!! is this thing on? 

anyway, they suck. not the jolie-pitts; the diapers. i'm sure the jolie-pitts are a surprisingly down to earth family.  i AM, however, annoyed at the number of times i've used "jolie-pitt" in this post thus far. they ain't married and the lord knows that just 'cuz them colored children bear brad's last name, don't in any way no how make it rosy in the eyes of the lord.  ye cain't jus put no powder and paint and smoke and mirrors on mary magdalene and call her a saint. deep down she's still a twice married, knife collecting, blood -bejeweled, billy-bob frenchin' WHORE. 

so as i was saying, huggies are a baaaaaad diaper. the last 5 nights in a row, dane has woken up for his early morning boobage SOAKED  through his flammable walmart pajamas. SOAKED THROUGH. and fellow moms out there (and dads and nannies and grandmas and godfathers and grampas and godmothers and cousins who may have babysat in the past and teens who have experience with kids) KNOW that having to change your sleepy, hungry baby out of not only his pj's but his godforsaken onesie that is a 9 months when he's really wearing 12 months which in turn makes taking it over his head make him look like he's joan rivers 5 facelifts from now AIN'T fun. 
today i changed dane from his pee laden polyester and uh, ok, it WAS the morning and uh, he WAS in a jolly mood and uh, he DOES  have a beautiful mommy so he had a baby boner. a wee chubby. a tiny pig in a blanket without the blanket. a mini erector set. a morning twig. a hard-ly on. (that last one was good, C'MON!) so i put on his huggies brand baaaaaaaaad diaper and i was  holding him on my hip and i feel a warm sensation spreading throughout my tee shirt. he was PEEING ON HIS MOMMY. i mean, he was wearing the thing for 2 minutes! 

i heard that some bloggers who complain about something or praise something actually get shit SENT to them.  i'm crossing my fingers for that mini erector set. 

Thursday, October 15, 2009


it's one of those mornings where i'm feeling CRAPPY.  flabby, teary, overwhelmed by laundry, baby won't all. how the dickens does a small family create so much effing LAUNDRY? and it's dreary as hell outside and i can't walk anywhere or drive anywhere because we are a one car household. 
and i can't be bothered to put on a bra. if that sounds hot, i assure you it's not.

Monday, October 12, 2009

lazy sunday

after getting up with dane first thing in the a.m. and feeling OH SO VERY TIRED, danny shuffled on out to the living room and said the 4 words every mommy loves to hear:

go back to bed.

aaaahhhhh, heaven on earth. i didn't even PRETEND to protest. i crawled right back into bed under those soft fluffy covers and SLEPT.  then an hour later danny comes in and says dane is acting sleepy but won't settle in his crib so he brings him in bed. dane fights it and fights it by crawling all over us and headbutting us and being generally AMAZINGLY ADORABLE and the 3 of us snuggle and cuddle till he finally gives in and sleeps. dane and i wake up an hour and a half later to the smell of "danny's special eggs" and have a lovely breakfast.

i love my husband.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

why i love hood river

it is one of those perfect fall days today so dane, ally and i head to the little park down the street for some swinging. ew. now i have unclean images of little baby swingers. ew. 
anywhooooo, dane is in the swing and there are two older boys swinging as well. i'm kind of listening to their conversation and it goes like this:

kid 1: i think we should have girls there.
kid 2: i really don't think my grandma would like that very much.

cute. i didn't even really say hi to them when i walked up because i just assume that i am the epitome of uncool what with my kid and my mom outfit. (which, by the way,  is an "exercise" type of outfit except that i don't "exercise". period. i actually had on a cute outfit earlier. i mean cute for hood river but it was, how do you say? TIGHT. good lord i need to put that "exercise" outfit to use the way the lord intended it.)
so, i was pleasantly surprised when the kid turned to me and said, "hi! i'm cody and this is cyrus."
how freaking polite and adorable and UNUSUAL for an 11 year old kid, right? he said, "what's your name?" and "who's the little guy? he's cute." and "i'm 11 and live on prospect in the big stone house and cyrus lives on prospect in the big log house." etc... etc... i pretended to know which houses they spoke of to make them feel good or something. and they freaked out in a good way when i told him his name was DANGER.  it made me fast forward to when dane's 11 and his friends will for SURE  be calling him that.  i had a totally nice conversation with 2 pre-teen boys which THEY initiated. 
and that is one of the bajillion reasons i love hood river, oregon. 

Tuesday, October 6, 2009


danny and i have developed a way in which we can help dane sleep through the night. it's called "turn the fan on high and close the door". well, it really works because he has been "sleeping through the night" for a little while now. this morning, however, i wake up feeling like something is wrong. it feels like i overslept. it feels like 8:00 rather than the usual 6:45. i turn off the fan and sure enough i hear dane crying. he's crying his "i really mean it, i am very upset" cry which is a closed mouth "mmmmmmmm" "mmmmmmmm" gasp "mmmmmmm", etc...
it was actually 8:15. yikes. poor baby. i nursed him and he fell asleep on the boob which he hasn't done since infancy and is continuing to sleep even 9:10. 
must remember to keep door open. 

Monday, October 5, 2009


having a kid is awesome because you can talk to yourself. like today, while at target, i chatted to "dane" the whole time. 

"$59.99??!! what the fuckballs! i don't care if anna sui designed it, it's not fair! it's TARGET FOR THE LOVE OF NANCY! oh, but it IS cute..."

a delightful day

so danny is away for the week and dane and i have been taking advantage of having the car. today it was babies r us to spend a gift card which i did. all of it. and it do you say...ALOT. granted, it wasn't just winter clothes. we got a baby gate.  blah. boring. yeah yeah, i know. we NEED one of those, i guess, but i was getting pretty good at sensing when he got to the top of the staircase. it usually happened around cup #3 of coffee and page 4 of perez. i'm KIDDING. 

so after babies were us, we were on our way to target but i was all of a sudden starving. really i can't tell you what possessed me to say this to myself:

 "olive garden! i MUST eat there. NOW!"

what? huh? 
the first and last time i ate at the olive garden was when i was 19 and was on a date with donny ernokovich and i wore a...hmm...i'm trying to think about how to describe such an outfit.  well, it was a onesie of sorts, i suppose. it had a fitted top part with spaghetti straps and then really it should have been a dress at the bottom but unfortunately someone (perhaps by the name of mrs. the limited) thought "no! a dress is so COMMON. i shall make PANTS!!"
so that was what i was wearing when donny, in a moment of 23 year old (oh yeah! 23!)  lust, touched my belly and I WASN'T READY! do you hear me ladies? do you smell what i stepped in? no, really, what WAS that? dog crap? baby puke? when i know someone is reaching towards my mid-section, i instinctively sit up as straight as i can and suck suck suck it in. i'm pretty sure it's a universal thing.  anyway, that night ended with a raging case of "headache" a.k.a. the shits and had to have him drop me off without so much as a thank-you-for-dinner-make-out session. 
wow. good story. i really do have a gift.

today our waitress was one of those who tries just WAY too hard to immediately get familiar. and the way she tried was really non-sensical. for example, upon seeing dane enjoy the bejesus out of the breadsticks, she said, " OH! SOMEone's liking his BREADsticks! BABIES AND GARLIC! they go together like BABIES AND KITTENS!"
really? do babies go together with garlic? like do they just light up at the sight of a bulb? can they just not WAIT to get their hands on some scampi? and-don't correct me if i'm wrong but- don't kittens suck the very life breath from babies whilst they slumber? 
regardless, dane DID enjoy his breadsticks. the way he was tearing into them with his 2 bottom teeth and upper gum, i kept expecting him to start shouting at any minute, "WENCH! YES, YOU MOMMY! BRING ME MY ALE AND MUTTON,WOMAN, AND DON'T FORGET THE GARLIC, I SAY!!!!"

Saturday, October 3, 2009


i was thinking about last christmas when dane was a mere 6 days old and got to wear his "baby's first christmas" onesie. so cute. so tiny. so cheap. it got me thinking. 

why don't they make clothes that say "ADULT'S 35TH CHRISTMAS". i'd buy the dickens out of those.