pre-bed comedy hour

so last night we were in bed and danny turns to me and says, "do you remember when ally was playing with that cockrobin yesterday?" and i'm like, "huh?" and he goes, "you know, dane was chasing it then ally was chasing it?" and i'm REALLY racking the brain thinking, "ok. ok. yesterday. yesterday....when was ally outside playing?? when was dane playing with ally? oh my god i think that i.u.d. really IS making me lose my memory. holy shit. i canNOT for the life of me remember. i HAVE to get this thing out of my uterus STAT." this back and forth went on and on with danny saying, "YOU know. remember how funny it was???" and i'm like, "NO! i do NOT remember. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME FOR THE LOVE OF NANCY!" and the last thing i say to him is:

"what's a cockrobin?"

and my husband says through peals of laughter:

"IT'S FOR PEEING, BATMAN!!!"

walking in the city

my husband

yesterday the little family took a trip to portland where we had a beautiful day together. dane was so happy all day and the weather was perfectly autumnal. we ended the day at a cute bistro with some bloodys and a cheese plate. that's when danny turned to me and said,

"you know, if one day down the road, you told me you've been a spy all this time, i wouldn't be mad at all. i'd be psyched."

ok. thanks for that head's up.

sorry i've been gone so long...

i was in napa just now. i mean, just this past weekend. this past GUH-LOR-IUS weekend. and by weekend i mean from friday to tuesday. we pretty much crashed my in-law's vacation. danny said, "oh! hey! i hear you're going to be in napa? can we come?" so they said yes and we hopped on a plane and BAM! we flew into san fran where we spent the night at hot french jeremie's. we contemplated getting a hotel but we decided that we'd prefer to save the dough and yeah, it sounds great. we arranged to have a sitter arrive almost as soon as we got there and we'd planned on changing clothes, putting baby to sleep and getting our drink on.

except that ain't how it went down. at all.

we arrived and jeremie is packing for a long trip to south america and the apartment is loud and bright and there's music and nary a dark calm-inducing corner to be seen. hence, theretofore, in conclusion, the babysitter arrived when we requested her which was 9pm and we didn't leave the apt till 11:00pm with dane NOT happy about it. at all.

instead of fretting over the fact that my baby is with a total stranger, NOT alseep at 4 hours past his bedtime in a bachelor pad of all bachelor pads, i decided to focus on being free with my husband and friends in a great city and proceeded to have an awesome night. of course, the highlight for ME was karoake-ing at "martunis". a little aretha never hurt anybody.

the next day, after some rice-a-roni and cable car-ing, we headed on to napa where we met the in-laws and proceeded to gorge ourselves on luxury. i had so much luxury that i could've puked. wine, food, babysitters, FREE MINI BAR AND FOOD IN THE ROOM. FREE, I SAID. one of the simultaneous highlights and lowlights was the wine tour of our favorite winery, chappellet. it was a highlight because our guide, marisa, was like hanging out with your cool, funny best friend all the while having amazing wine magically appearing in your glass. the lowlight was dane crawling around in the actual vineyard and bloodying his mouth with a pebble. it was a picture out of a magazine. the whole family looking good, standing around under the crisp blue fall sky, wine in hand, pretending to care about how wine is made, baby crawling in the glorious sunshine until i hear the familiar sound of dane eating. i can ALWAYS know when he has an object in his mouth be it food, pebble or dvd because he goes, "mmmmmm. mmmmmm. mmmm." so i run over to him and try to sweep my finger in his mouth but we were on a hill and my, uh, balance wasn't so sober, i mean, good, and i kind of knocked him down in the process of freeing his pebble from his mouth and when i pulled out my finger there was for sure blood on it.

the other drunkards assured me that these things happen.

my baby's a genuis

no more boob

it's official. dane has weaned himself exactly one month shy of the intended wean date. it started at about 8 months when he boycotted lefty. poor lefty shrunk to the size of a...well, to the size it was before which was nothing to write home about. i continued with righty until 2 days ago when i offered up righty and dane squirmed and bucked like a horsie until i offered up the bottle and dane said, thaaaaaat's more like it woman. same thing again this morning.

thinking back on the extremely painful, rocky beginning of the breastfeeding journey, i think that it is the thing i'm most proud of. considering i had to set the timer to ten minutes each time and making it through that ten minutes was soooooo hard it would actually make me cry. then i remember the day it didn't feel so bad. then it got better and better until i didn't even have to think about it.

it was sweet while it lasted.

thiiis is hoooow we proooooof it (this is how we proof it)

during dane's four month check up, his pediatrician recommended we start thinking about baby-proofing to which i replied, "oh! yes, yes of course what kind of parents do you think we are? of course will get on that right away." while inside i was saying, "he can barely move his head from side to side let alone figure out how to shimmy up to drink the toilet water." but lo and behold, he can move now. and yes, indeed he is "into everything" as i've heard every mom i've ever met say at one point or another.

we finally managed to install a baby gate at the top of our stairs however i wouldn't say it meets the standards of safety by any means. danny had to really work hard to figure out a solution to make it work. it was not a typical top of stairs situation and what he finally came up with is a gate containing open ended screws and a dane sized noggin opening. i swear it is the best anybody could do apart from installing a brand new staircase and i ain't even exaggerating.

yesterday was another glorious sunday consisting of friends and mimosas. (until i get knocked up again i will be drinking like a frat boy.) so after our mimosa fog lifted, we piled in the car to go to walmart and finally purchase the plastic things that go in outlets to prevent electrifying of babies. a trip to walmart isn't complete until we visit the elmo that talks to you and blows kisses. dane and i seek out the kissing elmo everytime we are at a major department store. it was really fun to have danny see dane's reaction to it. when i press elmo's foot, he starts in with the "HI! ELMO LOOOOVES YOU! KISS KISS!" etc and as soon as it's finished dane looks at us and smiles soooooo big. then we press it again and he laughs and smiles and then looks at us as if to say, "I TOLD YOU HE TALKS! IS THAT NOT THE FUNNIEST THING EVER? HE SAID KISS KISS! AND BLEW KISSES! THIS IS SO HILARIOUS! WHY DOES ELMO LIVE AT WALMART?"

because he costs $59.98, dane.

then i saw a v-tech cell phone that i know dane would love for at least 5 days and i looked at danny as if to say. "can we? can we?" and he said the thing that all parents get to say for a month solid out of every year:

"CHRISTMAS IS RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER."

and it's true! it IS right around the corner and how AWESOME we get to start using that line even if that WAS directed towards me and not dane. oh the joy of parenting!

good lord woman, take some pride in yourself

a friend was over to our house and saw a picture of me and asked how old that picture was. she said, i "looked like a baby". this was really disturbing to me. she certainly didn't intend for that comment to rattle my very core but...

the picture was from our wedding. not even three years ago.

it made me think about my vanity... in recent months, my lack thereof. since i was little, i used to lay in bed each night dreaming of outfits to wear the next day. my heart would actually flip when i would visualize a good one. i couldn't wait to wake up and see if my visions were as brilliant in person.

they usually were.

when i moved to new york i was brave in my choices. if i wanted to wear a cocktail dress one day for the hell of it, i did. the best was when i was managing schiller's (a dauntingly cool bistro on the lower east side where douche bags like vincent gallo would eat regularly. i'm told he is a d-bag so therefore i believe it to be so). anyway, i would get to put together awesome ensembles and walk around with a great sense of self. my outside made my inside feel great.

"look at me. look how cute and fashionable i am. what? this old thing? god, i've had this for soooo long, i'm just wicked good at accessorizing."

so when my friend said this about me looking so young, it hit me hard. yes, i'm a mom. yes, i live in a small town now and not nyc but i feel like i need to try a little harder. i mean, i swear i don't even care about what i wear to the grocery store. if i manage to put on a bra, that's a big deal. especially since my boobs have now deflated to the size of over-ripe kiwis. (sorry male members of the family who may be reading this)

my mom came to visit a few weeks ago and when it came time for me to take her to the airport, i simply threw on some jeans and uggs, kept on my pajama top (no bra of course) and threw an ill-fitting coat on over it all. i said, "ok i'm ready to go" and she looked at me and said in her babs way, "you're wearing your pajama top?" i immediately became riled and said, "YES." we were about to walk out the door and i said, "hold on a sec." my mom shamed me into changing into a regular-going-to-the-airport-or-going-anywhere-just-not-to-bed top. but it was good because i instantly felt a little better mentally.

so thanks mommy.

did you know...

...that a bag made of paper that has been filled with recyclables which has been steadily rained upon for a week solid will actually tear when you pick it up to move to the street for trash day whereupon all the glass the bag was holding is strewn willy nilly?

just thought you should know that for future reference.

good talk son

the other night we all went to our favorite local joint dixies for some southern comfort food. as the menfolk were taking care of the check i strolled dane outside and had a wonderful talk with him...or AT him i suppose. i have been having such an amazing time being his mommy and i had to tell him. i told him that i loved him sooooo much that i would do anything to make his life as wonderful as it should be and that i will always be there for him even if he thinks i will hate what he has done or what he has to say. as i was telling him this, i swear on my life, he was just beaming up at me, smiling, doing his little laugh he does when i do something silly. like he was seriously listening to what i was saying.

i can't believe the love i feel for this little being. it's nuts.

it was a good idea at the time

last night we had an impromptu dinner party and it was really fun but i am a 35 year old mother and really shouldn't stay up till 2 dancing in my kitchen.

my HIGH-larious neighbor jess started dancing and for some reason grabbed a bowl and a whisk and made it into some sort of culinary dancing delight. then, aaron our friend/amazing designer/contractor began to swiffer whilst dancing to lady gaga's "just dance" which of course turned into "just swiff". i do in fact have video of said tomfoolery but i felt it inappropriate to post with out their consent. instead, i will shame myself and post the video of me incorporating blue painters tape into my choreography. my favorite part is aaron's commentary, "aaand down. and down and one and two and tape it off..."

enjoy:

dane's costume. less racy than his daddy's

all is calm all is bright

we had a very busy few weeks here at the schwarz household. danny having the flu of all flus. (wait. flus looks funny. is it flues? flues blues? whatevs) i mean, he was down for the count. he said he had to wait till i woke up to have me hand him cold medicine one morning. did i mention that the cold medicine was on the nightstand? HIS nightstand? the one RIGHT BESIDE HIM? oy vey. bless his heart in sickness and in health. anyway, thank the good lord he is feeling better. dane caught something but luckily it wasn't too bad. then danny went to maui for a kite trip. then my mommy came to visit for a week. then my in-laws came for a quick visit. so sorry for the lack of bloggingness.

by the way, that is what danny looked like on halloween. in case you were wondering.