good lord woman, take some pride in yourself

a friend was over to our house and saw a picture of me and asked how old that picture was. she said, i "looked like a baby". this was really disturbing to me. she certainly didn't intend for that comment to rattle my very core but...

the picture was from our wedding. not even three years ago.

it made me think about my vanity... in recent months, my lack thereof. since i was little, i used to lay in bed each night dreaming of outfits to wear the next day. my heart would actually flip when i would visualize a good one. i couldn't wait to wake up and see if my visions were as brilliant in person.

they usually were.

when i moved to new york i was brave in my choices. if i wanted to wear a cocktail dress one day for the hell of it, i did. the best was when i was managing schiller's (a dauntingly cool bistro on the lower east side where douche bags like vincent gallo would eat regularly. i'm told he is a d-bag so therefore i believe it to be so). anyway, i would get to put together awesome ensembles and walk around with a great sense of self. my outside made my inside feel great.

"look at me. look how cute and fashionable i am. what? this old thing? god, i've had this for soooo long, i'm just wicked good at accessorizing."

so when my friend said this about me looking so young, it hit me hard. yes, i'm a mom. yes, i live in a small town now and not nyc but i feel like i need to try a little harder. i mean, i swear i don't even care about what i wear to the grocery store. if i manage to put on a bra, that's a big deal. especially since my boobs have now deflated to the size of over-ripe kiwis. (sorry male members of the family who may be reading this)

my mom came to visit a few weeks ago and when it came time for me to take her to the airport, i simply threw on some jeans and uggs, kept on my pajama top (no bra of course) and threw an ill-fitting coat on over it all. i said, "ok i'm ready to go" and she looked at me and said in her babs way, "you're wearing your pajama top?" i immediately became riled and said, "YES." we were about to walk out the door and i said, "hold on a sec." my mom shamed me into changing into a regular-going-to-the-airport-or-going-anywhere-just-not-to-bed top. but it was good because i instantly felt a little better mentally.

so thanks mommy.