the trip from hell

getting out of hood river was easy but getting to chambersburg, pa for the holidays was like out of a john hughes movie minus the eighties soundtrack and musical montages. p.s. there's NOTHING better in my book than a musical montage preferably one resulting in an nerdy girl (who is really pretty to begin with) turning into a prom queen of sorts. and you know they always have to cast the pretty girl as the underdog because no one wants to see a truly unattractive person go through all that only to reappear only slightly LESS unattractive. i'd much rather see angelina jolie with dry hair and rockports than that unfortunate looking girl from flight of the conchords who, let's face it, with a chin like that has very little chance of improvement.

so dane and i travel alone because danny has to work and will be joining us a few days later. we have something like 82 layovers in various regions of the u.s. and i decide to NOT bring the stroller so that i can make these various connections more efficiently by not having to wait for the stroller at the gate each time. smart mommy i am.

we make it to denver and are bumped from our plane along with 80 other passengers (for reals!) because they had to downsize the plane. dane and i wait in a line for 4 HOURS trying to get re-routed only to find out that the next flight would be the next afternoon. 4 HOURS with nothing but the baby bjorn. LUCKILY my sister-in-law's folks live just outside of denver and joyce very graciously came and fetched us as fast as she could. so i got to stay overnight in a gorgeous home which was MAJORLY decorated for christmas and even had a steak dinner to boot. DElightful. what wasn't so delightful was the fact that dane was getting sick and so was i. i went to bed at 8:45. dane and i were sharing a big bed and he for the life of him would not could not sleep. i kept looking at the clock each time saying, "ok, it's 10:oo now. for SURE he will fall asleep now." and then, "ok, it's 11:00. for SURE he'll sleep now, right??" he would slam his head down on my chest and snuggle and semi-fall asleep and i would eeeeever so gingerly try to move him off of me and BAM! awake. this lasted till almost 2 in the morning. joyce had to come and poke me awake for like 35 minutes, i was so exhausted.

so we get to the denver airport and i had been bumped up to first class for all the trouble, which sounds wonderful but even if you're in first class and your child is screaming because you've been SITTING ON THE RUNWAY FOR 2 HOURS DUE TO A BRAKE PROBLEM it's not like you can tap him on the shoulder and say, "dane! look! it's okay! you can stop crying! there's FREE CHAMPAGNE for mommy! only she can't drink it or DO ANYTHING for that matter because you are doing your angry fish impression." i'm pretty sure one year olds are thoroughly unimpressed by ANYTHING first class can offer.

but i will say that 2 hours later when the plane finally took off, dane fell asleep on my lap much to the relief of my fellow rich travelers. there were a few warm smiles of compassion but mostly there was lots and lots of no eye contact. DON'T LOOK THE MOTHER IN THE EYE. DON'T LET HER THINK THAT FIRST CLASS IS FOR CHILDREN. FIRST CLASS IS FOR IMPORTANT PEOPLE SUCH AS OBESE ACCOUNTANTS AND GAYS.

we finally made it to the baltimore airport where i was greeted by my wonderful dad who for the record was dressed in a black velvet sport coat and an ascot and jeans. what a dude. all dressed up for his girl.

we arrived in c-burg to my folks house totally decked out in cool modern christmas from top floor to bottom floor. the visit was short but VERY sweet full of food, wine and lots and lots of love. on christmas day, we drove to new york to visit danny's family where it was all wonderfully noisy chaos with three kids running around jacked up on holiday spirit. i swear i barely had to parent dane what with all the toys around. we even had a christmas goose and i had to stifle the urge to speak in a cockney accent the whole day. i didn't even say, "GOD BLESS US EVERYONE".

on the way back to portland, danny and i TOTALLY lucked out with a row to ourselves and tvs in every seat. it was awesome. dane cried alot at the beginning but then he slept and then he woke up really happy and cute.

it was wonderful but i was so happy to get back to our cozy home. so happy in fact that i just made a duncan hines yellow sheet cake with chocolate frosting and i'm gonna eat the whole thing. actually, i'll pretend to just nibble on it all day long by slicing reeeeally thin slices until, well, whattaya know?? the whole thing is GONE.