we get to the trail and it is about 3pm. danny has done this one before so he insists upon being the one to wear dane all the way up. he says something like, "it's a HIKE", implying that it is indeed an incline. i don't know what i was thinking but as soon as the trail began to go UP, my body began a mutiny. the voices in my head began chanting and spewing things like, "you did NOT sign up for this molly! your legs are HURTING ALREADY! IT'S ONLY GONNA GET WORSE! THIS CAN'T BE GOOD FOR YOU! IT'S GONNA GET DARK SOON! IT'S NOT EVEN PRETTY HERE. DON'T EVEN BOTHER TRYING TO GAIN ANYTHING GOOD FROM THIS BECAUSE DO YOU FEEL THAT TIGHTENING IN YOUR CHEST AND LUNGS? THAT IS GOD'S WAY OF PUNISHING YOU FOR GETTING OFF THE COUCH AND PUTTING DOWN THE US WEEKLY. YOU BELONG ON THE COUCH YOUNG WOMAN!"
this goes on for quite some time, this barrage of inner negativity. i am seriously huffing and puffing and danny is the one carrying the 19 extra pounds of love. i am such a wimp. it's embarrassing. at one point i ask danny how long we've been hiking because i'm sweating. even my HANDS are sweating and he says, "uh, maybe like 10 minutes?" and oooooh man, do those voices in my head get really riled. then danny does some half mumbled calculation of how long we've been hiking and how long till we get to the top and one point twenty one jiggawatts and space time continuum and pronounces, "i think we're a quarter of the way there."
his eyes give away that he's messing with me. instead of laughing like any NORMAL person would i get all yell-y at him with the "WHY WOULD YOU MESS WITH ME WHEN YOU CAN SEE I'M CLEARLY DYING?" and "THAT ISN'T FUNNY! IF I KNEW WE WERE ALMOST THERE I COULD MAYBE ENJOY IT KNOWING THAT THERE IS A LIGHT AT THE END OF THIS NEVER-ENDING GODFORSAKEN NO MAN'S LAND OF A TRAIL!" and "I'M THIRSTY!"
we made it to the top soon after my ranting ended and it really was beautiful and worth it until danny decided we needed to find a "fetching stick" for ally. didn't we just walk through a FOREST? so he continued on for what seemed like another 2 hours and 16 miles to find a "fetching stick" for his beloved. and by the way, our dog does NOT fetch and i didn't believe this mission to find a "fetching stick" to be one of any importance whatsoever until lo and behold, she fetched. not just once but like 6 times. a true record for the most non-dog dog there e'er was.
then dane decided to hate nature, hiking, cold weather, his mom, his dad, his non dog dog and his 18 layers of patagonia fleece. we high-tailed it down the mountain thinking that he was just getting too cold and/or bored with all the fetching business. moving did not help. there was a steady stream of snot pouring out of his nose and his cheeks were frozen and his hands were frozen and he cried cried cried like i have never heard. it seemed to take twice as long to get down that mountain. once the car was in sight, i knew he'd be fine. we'd get him cozied up in the car seat and crank the heat and give him a bottle and he'd be back to his normal delightful self but no. he had worked himself up so much that i actually had to hold him and shshshshsh him all the way home. what a pansy.
Didn't you learn anything from "Sex and the City?" Hiking is just walking outside (see episode w/David Duchovny in mental hospital)! No inclines needed to get badass credit. Also, I read this as a "fetching" stick, as in Dan was looking for a pretty stick, and I thought, Oh, how Queer Eye! And a third thing, are those Ikea Akurum drawers with the flour pulls in your baby proofing pic? Okay, all done.
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