thinkin

having a kid is awesome because you can talk to yourself. like today, while at target, i chatted to "dane" the whole time. 

"$59.99??!! what the fuckballs! i don't care if anna sui designed it, it's not fair! it's TARGET FOR THE LOVE OF NANCY! oh, but it IS cute..."

a delightful day

so danny is away for the week and dane and i have been taking advantage of having the car. today it was babies r us to spend a gift card which i did. all of it. and it was...how do you say...ALOT. granted, it wasn't just winter clothes. we got a baby gate.  blah. boring. yeah yeah, i know. we NEED one of those, i guess, but i was getting pretty good at sensing when he got to the top of the staircase. it usually happened around cup #3 of coffee and page 4 of perez. i'm KIDDING. 

so after babies were us, we were on our way to target but i was all of a sudden starving. really i can't tell you what possessed me to say this to myself:

 "olive garden! i MUST eat there. NOW!"

what? huh? 

the first and last time i ate at the olive garden was when i was 19 and was on a date with donny ernokovich and i wore a...hmm...i'm trying to think about how to describe such an outfit.  well, it was a onesie of sorts, i suppose. it had a fitted top part with spaghetti straps and then really it should have been a dress at the bottom but unfortunately someone (perhaps by the name of mrs. the limited) thought "no! a dress is so COMMON. i shall make PANTS!!"

so that was what i was wearing when donny, in a moment of 23 year old (oh yeah! 23!)  lust, touched my belly and I WASN'T READY! do you hear me ladies? do you smell what i stepped in? no, really, what WAS that? dog crap? baby puke? when i know someone is reaching towards my mid-section, i instinctively sit up as straight as i can and suck suck suck it in. i'm pretty sure it's a universal thing.  anyway, that night ended with a raging case of "headache" a.k.a. the shits and had to have him drop me off without so much as a thank-you-for-dinner-make-out session. 

wow. good story. i really do have a gift.

today our waitress was one of those who tries just WAY too hard to immediately get familiar. and the way she tried was really non-sensical. for example, upon seeing dane enjoy the bejesus out of the breadsticks, she said, " OH! SOMEone's liking his BREADsticks! BABIES AND GARLIC! they go together like BABIES AND KITTENS!"

really? do babies go together with garlic? like do they just light up at the sight of a bulb? can they just not WAIT to get their hands on some scampi? and-don't correct me if i'm wrong but- don't kittens suck the very life breath from babies whilst they slumber? 

regardless, dane DID enjoy his breadsticks. the way he was tearing into them with his 2 bottom teeth and upper gum, i kept expecting him to start shouting at any minute, "WENCH! YES, YOU MOMMY! BRING ME MY ALE AND MUTTON,WOMAN, AND DON'T FORGET THE GARLIC, I SAY!!!!"

thinkin

i was thinking about last christmas when dane was a mere 6 days old and got to wear his "baby's first christmas" onesie. so cute. so tiny. so cheap. it got me thinking. 

why don't they make clothes that say "ADULT'S 35TH CHRISTMAS". i'd buy the dickens out of those. 

thinkin

why are all the little baby boy clothes that you buy from the targets and walmarts and the like embroidered with sayings such as "little tough guy" and "daddy's little quarterback" and footballs and wrenches? 

how 'bout something like : "mommy's slightly sensitive baker"?  or "daddy's li'l tap dancer"? "

of ana ortiz and other things...but mostly ana ortiz

fall television is upon us and let me say how very truly happy i am for that. although we do not at the present moment have cable, i assure you we will. BY GOD WE WILL. AS GOD IS MY WITNESS I WILL NEVER GO WITHOUT CABLE AGAIN!! 

so i really like a lot of shows por ejemplo, la oficina y bailando con las estrellas. especially that last one even though i know i'm in the 52 to 85 demographic. yep, just me and betty white talking 'bout how darling that tom bergeron is and isn't it something they let that asian and the gay judge? i also love ugly betty. i do realize it's not a terrific show by any means but it's so pretty and crisp and it has my friend in it. oh, who's that you ask? why ana "hilda" ortiz, por supuesto. 

we went to college together and i guess we were acquaintances more than actual friends. ok, well, i guess we weren't even that. but we DID in fact have a dialogue once. well, i guess the word "dialogue" connotes something shared between 2 people and i can't say i shared anything more than a wan smile. more on that later. 

i was a freshman while she was a senior. let me rephrase that; she was THE senior. seriously so cool with her glossy pocahontas hair, effortless beauty and envy inducing style. she effing wore the SHIT out of those tiny backpacks. (it was the  90's after all). remember those? what the hell were those all about anyway? why would someone want something that looks like it was made for those kids who never grow but don't want to dress in the target toddlers department? you know those kids who are like 16 and look 3? i'm just gonna say it: those kids are so ugly they're cute. sorry. 

at our esteemed theater school at the university of the arts "GO ARTVARKS!"  the whole school got together once a week for a class called business of the arts. we discussed things like blah blah blah agents and blah blah headshots and often the actual shows the school put on. one week the discussion was about "some show that i most likely hated because it wasn't a musical".  for some weird reason (but not that weird at all because we were in a school for ACTORS WHO LOVE THE SOUND OF THEIR OWN VOICE) the discussion got heated and everyone was talking over each other (again, WEIRD) until ana ortiz' shot her hand up in the air and said in a ridiculously strong puerto-rican accent of which in my mind over the years has morphed into rosie perez from "white men can't jump" and says, 

"CAN WE GET BACK TO THE WORK HERE?"

and i don't know why but for some reason for me and my friends, that was it. over the next four years we found every opportunity to work that phrase into our daily lives. example:

deirdre: molly, wanna go grab dinner?

molly: CAN WE GET BACK TO THE WORK HERE?

then there was the incident that defined my freshman year. at the end of the year we were required to do a showcase which is acting out a scene in front of the whole school and being graded on that scene. sounds fine except that the scenes and scene partners were chosen for you. i had to do a scene in which i had to act DRUNK and SEXUAL.  complete nightmare for an 18 year old me.  i felt like carol burnett. to top it off i was assigned a scene partner who was so spaced out that he DIDN'T SHOW UP THE DAY OF THE PERFORMANCE. that's right. you heard me. the scene that we worked so hard on and that our gpa relied on almost didn't get to happen. my friend peter had done the scene before so he stepped in and held the script and we actually got through it. i'm sure it was terrible but no terrible-r than it would have been if my partner had showed. so i'm sitting on the staircase afterwards and trying to wrap my head around what had just happened when i heard someone coming down the stairs and then felt a hand on my head. i looked up to see pocahontas herself say to me, (rosie perez again, for effect) "you're a trooper". except it for sure sounded like "you're a troopa". 

so, yeah, i'll continue to watch the dickens out of ugly betty. and my scene partner by the name of kelly mccoy? well, he was just wandering around town and FORGOT. 

wtf happened?

today is dane's 9 month birthday and i feel like an inadequate blogger for letting so much time pass betwixt posts. so i'm sorry to all three of you reading this.

the last few days-DAYS i say- have brought rather tremendous changes in my darling boy. 

numero uno: 

he hates baby food.  i mean HATES it. all of a sudden he is in his high chair which he knows brings the promise of food which somehow causes immense displays of crabbiness as if he's saying, "damn it all woman! i have been waiting a full THREE SECONDS FOR MY FOOD AND NOBODY BUT NOOOOOBODY MAKES ME WAIT THAT LONG AND I'M GONNA MAKE YOU PAY WOMAN BY SCREAMING AND SQUEEZING THESE HERE DAMN TEARS OUT MY EYES!"  (you are supposed to read that like george jefferson, by the way.) and i'm like, "FOR THE LOVE OF NANCY I'M TRYING TO GET THIS EFFING LID OFF THE EFFING CONTAINER WHICH I'M SURE IS SEALED WITH GORILLA GLUE GIVE ME A BREAK!" 

so now i have to oh, what is that word?? cook! oh yeah, cook. like whole separate meals for dane. i mean, i knew it was coming but...

secondly:

he expresses his displeasure in a really funny way that i'm sure by age 2 won't be nearly as funny. i believe they are called tantrums. he sits on the floor, high chair, grocery cart, whereever and clenches his tiny pudgy hands and even pudgier feet (feet can in fact be clenched) and stiffens his arms and legs in a rage and screams. it is truly hilarious...at THIS moment in my life. 

third thing:

he HATES the strapping in of the body into strollers, car seats, grocery carts, anything with straps. i know this is not surprising because of all the mobility he has discovered of late but it is like wrestling with a slippery fish. an ANGRY slippery fish. 

all these things aside, he is still happy and bubbly and holy crap i can't believe he is 9 months old. 

thinkin

flip flops with a platform sole. please just don't.